Okay, no joke, I have written over four new blogs that I haven’t posted, and I don’t just mean sloppy three-paragraph documents. I mean edited, two and-a-half page, meaningful pieces. I push ‘save’ on my computer…and they never find their way online because I have a serious hang-up that whatever I post has to be the deepest thing I am learning at that exact moment. Anything less and I keep it in a folder on my desktop, never to be seen again. That mindset has a laundry list of problems but right now especially it's been hard because I’m learning about six really different things, none of which I'm even close to mastering. So I keep writing these blogs like an expert and keep coming up short because I’m standing at the edge of iceberg-sized lessons and I’ve only taken the first 2 steps up.
So…I’ve decided to give myself some grace, to let go of the pressure to have a perfectly-worded package to post. I didn’t start this blog to be a soapbox or megaphone (well maybe sometimes a megaphone, because those are really fun to play with). I want this blog to be a place to connect, to share, to relate, to explore, to deepen.
Anyhow, my vague plan is to run through a sort of highlight reel of what’s been going on in my world. I’m hoping this will even be more interactive, like a conversation, so share with me in your comments snapshots of what is going on in your life. Here it goes:
1.Discipline, Habits and Other Ugly Words
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I spend my time. In what ways I waste it and in what ways I maximize its value. Ultimately I want to have a weekly schedule that designates times for things that are important to me. Tuesdays at 6pm I paint for an hour. Wednesdays at 5am I work on my book project. Every Thursday at 7pm is a book club with a dear friend. <-- All of those are fantasies as of now. I haven’t found that kind of discipline, but I’m working on it. For about 3 weeks I have been getting up at 4:30am to spend time in prayer, journaling, and reading a devotional, it has been so good for me and completely transformed my days. That was step number one for me and now little by little I want to add more discipline into my life to create time and space to cultivate the things I love.
2. Cultivating Risk
Whew…this subject has been pestering me for months. Everywhere I turn there is another decision to be made, more vulnerability to expose. It started with quitting my job (read about that here) to take the position I currently have (which by the way I am so happy I did, I LOVE my job), that risk paid off. Then, a few weeks ago I told one of my closest friends that I had feelings for him…can we say VULNVERABLE? The feelings weren’t reciprocated. It felt a little like walking into middle school and realizing you were naked. Ouch. But I have to say A) He was so generous and sweet about such a hard exchange and B) I’m still happy I did it, it was worth saying to someone, you’re worth risking for.
That’s what I’m learning the most about risk,
that it’s not really about the glamorous moment on your white steed
when you stick your sword in the air and make a hard decision.
It’s more about the aftermath,
having made your wants known, having made yourself vulnerable, having put something on the line, it’s the living with all that after the fact, letting people love you even when they’ve see you open and exposed. The biggest risk is being honest about who you are and what you desire and inviting others to love you in that space. On a lighter note, the most recent risk I’m taking it to move out of my parents house and into my beautiful friend Tina’s home in a few weeks. I am beyond excited about that—so here’s to taking chances and letting people love you in the mess!
3. The Journey to Creative Depth
Next month on April 11th I’m running a poetry workshop for The Guild, a collective of creatives in the Inland Empire, and would love if you came and wrote with me. I’m going to be talking about the journey we take from busy, everyday life to that creative space where we can generate really great work. There will be some unique approaches to collage and writing that I think may be really generative. Hopefully some amazing work (or the seeds thereof) will be made. In my day-to-day life I’ve been thinking a lot about that journey, the bridge we cross to get from our work day to the blank page, from rerun episodes of Friends to the paintbrush. I’m thinking about seeing unlikely connections in my writing, about being a good observer throughout my day, and making space to incorporate creativity as a part of my routine. I Hope you’ll come hangout with me on the 11th and talk to me about your journey to creativity. For details just email me or leave your email address in the comments section.
4. Pregnant Forever
I'm a visionary. I love daydreaming, planning, new ideas, extrapolating out... but when it comes to following through on my plans, I run. I love blueprints and hate breaking ground. If I were pregnant I would love painting the nursery, thinking of names, daydreaming of all the exciting adventures my child would go on in their lifetime, but I might want them to stay in the womb forever. It scares me to have things come to fruition. In some ways this little blurb is related to the one about risk because I’m trying to conquer this fear, to force myself to see the dreams and visions I have into actuality. It’s hard and scary but so worth it. I want to give birth to the things I love and watch them grow and take on a life of their own, not just live two-dimensionally on my sketch pad.
5. Young at Heart
I take myself so seriously. I want to do things with excellence, I can’t handle anyone who doesn’t respect my work and I must always seem eloquent and logical. PSshSaw. I’m trying to get over myself. Life is so short and in reality I’m pretty dorky, clumsy, and awkward. I’m trying to reincorporate PLAY in my life, I think it is so important that we not forget how to have fun. I want to grow gray with loads of laugh lines and people around me smiling and playing pranks on each other. I’m tired of being so serious, and I’m trying to learn the divine art of silliness.
Okay, this is messy and it is going to be hard for me to post because of course I want it more cohesive and pristine, here’s to risk :). I’m so blessed by each of you who stop by to read and leave comments, thanks for letting me share with you!